Tiredness.

I am so tired today. I've been at work all day, and am contemplating going for a nap now.

I went shopping yesterday with a friend and bought a notebook/sketchbook. All of it is brown paper - including the pages, and it came with 6 pencils which are also wrapped in brown paper.
No clue as to how I'll even use this notebook, but I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it in the shop. And it was half price, which is an added bonus really.
Also bought a beautiful necklace which really reminds me of France and Paris. I miss Paris - I want to visit there again soon hopefully.

Happiness is...

I'm feeling happy this morning, and I was feeling happy yesterday too.
So, I was thinking.
Really - what is happiness?

Is there a set thing that can make every single person on Earth happy?
Perhaps.
But I doubt it.
I was wondering.
Are most people even happy?
Do most people set their happiness on Earthly things?
Things that fade?
Things that can be taken away?
I know I do.
And I know that if anything changes in a way I don't want it to,
Well,
It causes sadness.

Is happiness just a short term state?
Is true joy what we should be aiming for?
Is that long term?

There go my I've-just-got-up-and-am-eating-granola ramblings for this morning.
Perhaps I should stop thinking about being happy.
And just enjoy the feeling of actually being happy.
Maybe that's a better solution.

Creativity from frustration.

I'm working on a little mini-project.

I started it yesterday, wasn't happy with what I'd done, so am starting from scratch again today. And already I'm feeling much better about it.

I'd feel even better if I wasn't so frustrated.

I don't want to give too much away about what I'm working on, but I'll tell you this - what I'm trying to achieve and use within this project... well, I'm wondering whether it's impossible.

Except, I know full well that it isn't.

Note to brain: Stop being so pessimistic. Isn't the point of this project to show that there is hope? That you can achieve and that things can work out? How ever frustrating they might be.

I've only ever done what I'm trying to do once or twice before - and it took days and days of practicing until I got it perfect.

Have I lost my patience?

No, that can't be it.

I can be patient, and I know it.

Maybe.

Maybe I'm just expecting way too much from myself.

Every time I upload a new photo to flickr, I find myself more and more disappointed each time. Disappointed in myself, that my photos aren't better.

Disappointed in myself that I am clearly going backwards, while everyone around me is improving.

Disappointed in myself for not creating something so spectacular that people actually want to look at it.

I'm trying.

Am I even trying enough?

Am I pushing myself and trying to my full potential?

I don't know anymore.

Let's just hope that when I've done with this project, I'm pleased with it, and people will see what I hope is potential. 

Maybe I'll leave a mark.

Golden Hour, I love you too much.

Yesterday, I must have spent so much of my day hoping for Golden Hour. I was craving to sit in that light and take photos that would hopefully be stunning.
When I saw that the light was turning golden, wow, it made me instantly happy. Grabbing my camera and tripod, I rushed straight to a patch of light that was coming into the house.

...and that's when the frustration kicked in.
However much I tried, I could not get the photos that I had got worked out in my head. I was using myself as a model, and had been planning this idea all day. The more I tried, the more frustrated I got, and the more I just wanted to give up.
Wanting this golden light so much all day, and then when it turned up I was happy. Trying to use it though, to make these photos I had thought up - well, it just made me feel more and more disappointed in myself.

I was trying to tap into my emotions, my thoughts, my hopes, my fears.
Yet I could not get these photos to look the way I wanted. Then I tried something completely different. Something spontaneous.

And those photos, I loved them.

Perhaps next time, setting my mind on something so much, might not be a good idea.

_____

Also yesterday, it was mine and my boyfriend's 2 year and 8 month "marker" (I would say anniversary, but I don't think I'd count it as that :P).
I feel so lucky and grateful to have him in my life.
Can't believe that in 4 months time, it'll be 3 years. Just wow.
I love him so much.

...enough of me being mushy.

Have an amazing day today (if anyone is actually reading this! :) )
Alice
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