I'm a bad blogger.

I completely understand that like no-one reads my blog, but I still feel like a bad blogger. You know, for not updating since forever. 

And by forever, I mean just over a week or so - but still, it's a pretty long time.

For those of you who don't know, I moved to University just over a week ago, and I never realised how hectic Fresher's week was going to be. There was always something going on - whether it was our Beach themed party night (that was awesome!) or having to go and do my own food shopping (hooray for running around a Supermarket), I've been on the go all the time.

And now, I am shattered. I'm ready for a holiday just to recover from a week of late nights and induction lectures.

As well as being a bad blogger, I'm also a bad photographer. I hate not having the time to pick up my camera. I have taken photos once this week - we went on a trip out to an art gallery and a museum with my course - where I took 82 photos. To be honest, I'm quite pleased with some of them and am currently in love with Depth of Field.

This afternoon involves a trip to a camera shop to get some photos printed (I hope they do an hour/immediate service... I need these for my lecture tomorrow...) and then some extra ones to put on my wall, and make it all feel a little more homely.

So instead of blogging, I should really be doing other stuff, but I thought I'd fill you guys in on my life, just a little bit.

Tangled up.

Yesterday I was listening to music using my headphones - otherwise my mum gets annoyed cause she can hear my music, and she's usually trying to listen to the radio. Parents, eh? But this isn't a rant about parents. It's a rant about headphones.
I bought some new headphones a couple of weeks ago, cause ever since one of the ear pieces on my Apple one fell in my couple of tea... it hadn't quite worked the same since. I still have no idea how it ended up in my tea, but that's life really. So, my new ones are blue, to match my iPod, and they're very nice and headphoney.
But this is the problem. Whenever I take out my headphones, even if the wires were straight when I took them out, and I put them down on the table... when I come back to pick them up, they are always tangled. Always! How is this even possible? Do headphones feel the need to make life more difficult by tangling themselves, so you have to spend ages working out how the undo all the knots that have appeared by themselves.
Yes, I realise there are more important things that should be worried about, but headphones knots are sweeping the nation, without their users even realising it's happening.
I'm sat here, as I type (hey, I can type without looking and the keys or the screen) looking at my headphones, waiting for them to move or tangle themselves, just to provide some frustration. They're not doing anything, but I know as soon as my back is turned and I come back to them - BAM - there'll be knots.
Perhaps there's some sort of headphone science that hasn't been discovered yet.

Everything's changing.

It's started to sink in this week how much everything around me is changing. I'm one of those annoying people who doesn't like change that much - I get set in ruts way too much, and I guess now that everything is changing, this is going to put me in situations that I might not like, but hey, I'll be learning something and I should be grateful for that.

For those of you who don't know (if anyone even reads my blog, that is) I'm starting university and it's now  10 days (if I'm counting right) until I leave, and I'm starting to freak out a little. I'm worried about not seeing my friends. My closest girl friend is leaving for her university this weekend and I'm going to miss her so much! Luckily, we're only going to be about an hour or so away from each other by train, but she's helped me through so much and I'm always there for her. I think it's going to take a fair bit of adjusting to not having her around. We've been friends since we were about 5.

My boyfriend is moving to the same city with me, so I'm pretty lucky that I have him as a constant in my life, when everything else is changing.
While we're moving away, we're leaving our church behind. I love my church. The people there are like a family to me and settling into a new church away from there is going to be really tough. On Sunday, one of the people there told me they really want me to lead a church service again, and that I have a "sunny disposition". Made me smile.

Yesterday was my last day at my job. I've been there since just before my 17th birthday, so almost 4 years. Handing back my keys was tough, I thought I was going to just burst into tears!

But perhaps moving away is going to be a good thing. I'm hoping it'll help me to rely more on God, as I won't have my other "constants" to rely on anymore. I'll have to completely put my trust in him, something that can sometimes be a little difficult.
I'm also going to be studying photography and hopefully I'll make it somewhere in life.

Sad but productive?

Today, I worked with one of my colleagues for the last time. Because she's off on holiday, and I'm off to uni, it was the last time we were going to be working together - so it was kind of a weird day. I can't believe soon it's all coming to an end. It's heartbreaking.

But on a productive note - I think I've decided on a title for my novel, and have planned up to chapter 19 now. I'm finding planning hard, as I know a character is going to die - if planning is that hard, then actually writing it is going to be harder. I get very attached to my characters.

I would write more, but my head is pounding. I should probably get some sleep.

Waiting for the scales to tip.

Depression has sunk in, and it's not for myself. It's for my colleagues. My friends. The smiling faces I see every day when I go into work.
Because of one person wishing to get their own way; a schoolyard argument - all of my colleagues think it's over. This is it. In just a couple of months time, they won't have their jobs anymore. I can't take it - these are good people this is happening to. It doesn't affect me - I'm leaving for university next month. But for them - I want to cry for all of them, to make it better.

How can I make things better when it is out of my control?

What is it I need, what is it I want?

I move out in 5 weeks. Right now, I'm excited, but I know that that's going to turn into nervousness when it gets closer. I'm so excited about the fact that I'm going to be at university doing photography all the time! It's going to be great.

I majorly need to pick up my camera. I want to but I'm not sure how much I feel it. I need to feel my pictures again, especially before I go to uni.

I'm thinking of starting another blog - one which is funny rather than me moaning or whatever you want to refer to this as. We'll see.

Ticking on. Ticking on. Ticking on.

Right now is one of those times when there is so much to do and no where near enough time to do it. There's the issue of want versus need.
Perhaps writing a list would be a good idea. For a while, I wrote lists of things I needed to do everyday, then would tick the things off once I did them. Some of the things on the list would roll over to the next day, and then the next and then the next... Sometimes getting done, sometimes not.
I make promises to myself that I will do something, and then never do.

Perhaps someone could teach me how to manage my time a little better.

Home again.

I've been on holiday for the past 2 weeks and got home yesterday. I had an amazing time and I didn't want to come home. I felt some sort of connection with the place, making it so hard to leave.
I met a family member I'd never met before.
My camera never left me.
I bought a new sketching journal which I love, and will now never leave my side, along with my writing journal.

Not only did the holiday leave me feeling relaxed, but I feel so inspired. I don't know if I've ever felt this inspired before.
Plot-points for a novel I've been writing since earlier this year have started to fall into place.
I have a huge art project I want to work on, having planned a lot of it while on holiday.
Hopes and dreams finally feel like they could become reality.

I found myself.

Scream your heart out.

This is currently my favourite song. I've had it stuck in my head all week.

Ready.

I've been saying I'm going to pack for my holiday for about a week, only getting round to doing it yesterday.
And looking at the bulging suitcase and the other stuff I still needed to take, I was starting to think "There is never going to be enough room."
I hate packing.
Luckily it's all done now - Thank goodness! - apart from packing my laptop and camera.

Another thing. I have 3 cameras I use - a compact, an SLR (film camera) and a DSLR. I feel mean for having to choose between them for which ones I should take. I want to take all of them, but am doubting there's going to be enough room in my bag.
I'm really craving using film, so want to be able to take the SLR as well.
Never mind. I'm sure I'll come up with something.

Much too young.

It's so sad that some people are taken far too young.

Amy Winehouse, may you rest in peace.

It's a new day.

The sun is out this morning. My bedroom is a loft room, so I get a lot of light coming into my bedroom. Normally, I'd be a bit annoyed about being woken up by bright sunshine early in the morning, but after a week of cold and heavy rain, I couldn't careless about less sleep than usual.
Waking up to blue skies and warmth really puts me in a good mood for the day. I've said this before, but I think my mood really depends on the weather. I link feeling sad with rain or snow or coldness and link happiness with sunshine and warmth. I don't think I should - I need to learn to love all weathers, and not let it influence my mood. Otherwise I'd spend all of the winter being grumpy! (Which I don't, just to clarify!)

I spent a few hours with my boyfriend yesterday, after not seeing him for almost 2 weeks. It was just perfect. It felt like no time had past since I last saw him. The time not being with him is difficult, but as soon as I see him again - well, none of that mattered.
We're going on holiday soon, along with my family, so I'm excited about that. I'm especially excited about being able to spend time at the beach! There's so many times that I wish I lived near the coast. I love the feel of sand on your bare feet, or just letting the waves of the sea lap over you. Cannot wait!

I'm getting more and more excited about getting away for a while as I write this. I need to get my suitcase out and start packing, even if it's a while away. I like to be organised.
I write lists of what I need to take, otherwise I end up forgetting stuff. Usually, the thing I forget is my hairbrush. Clever.

This week, I'm going to work on rewriting my novel. I wrote a novel last November, and cause I'm not completely happy with it, I'm rewriting it.

Let the good times roll.

I told you to be patient.

I realised that waiting does pay off.
Now he's home and I'm happy. Unbelievably so.
Being patient has never been my strong point, but when you miss someone so much, it actually feels like it's tearing you apart, then being patient is the last thing you think about.

I need to learn the art of being patient.

This feeling, like a daredevil.

Have you ever wanted to do something completely reckless?
Like something inside you is just saying "Go on, be a rebel. Just this once."
This week has been one of those times for me.
I considered things that aren't realistic or like me at all.
Like buying a car.
Or getting a tattoo.
Or getting my ears pierced even more.
Or getting on the Eurostar to Paris just cause I want to be somewhere else.
I wouldn't actually do them, but something inside me is urging me to do something reckless.

Starting to feel better.

Yesterday can't really be described as a good day.
I was stressed all day, and scared that I was going to pass out or be sick. Not the best thing ever. I think I worry too much. Although that's probably an understatement.
I know that I worry far too much than is usually humanly possible. I'm joking.
But I spend far more time worrying about other people, not even worrying about myself.
Quite a lot of people tell me that I don't think about myself enough. I'm not claiming to be selfless. I can be as selfish as the next person.
But I feel good when I help someone else. When I pray for someone else. When I see someone else happy.
I'm a giver, not a receiver.
I enjoy other people's birthdays way more than my own.
I tend to spoil my boyfriend a little bit, just to see the smile on his face when he sees the new t-shirt/book/sweets/cake/anything I've bought for him :)

Not that this has anything to do with anything.
I am so tired this morning, so realise that I've just written a load of waffle. Waffling can be fun though. It gives me something to do as I try and wake up properly.
But on the subject of feeling better when I'm having a low - I've found that exercise makes me feel good. When I was at school, I hated P.E. I'm tall, so was roped into joining the school netball team. We were a strong team (and as I'm tall, my role as Goalkeeper was easy. Goalshooters were never quite so tall.) and ended up winning city and county competitions.
I never actually enjoyed running about though. It was something we were forced to do twice a week (as well as extra lunchtime and afterschool netball practice!) but when I got to college, and my friend decided to drag me along to her aerobics class with her - I realised how much I could enjoy exercise. It was a laugh dancing around the studio, singing along to songs that you had heard on the radio but didn't really know the words too. I played netball again. Goalkeeper as usual. The joys of being tall.
I've waffled again.
But yesterday, when I was feeling mega low, I went to my karate class and it just made me feel better. Maybe it's the fact that I saw my friends. Perhaps it's cause I punched the life out of a punch bag or kicked the pads really hard. Like I meant it. Maybe it's all of those things.
I don't know.
But anywhoo. I feel better today. I'm smiling.

My blog must be pretty boring. I need to stop going off on one :P

Feeling a little lost.

I don't want to shed any tears.
For some reason, shedding tears would make me feel weak.
But only today.
Any other day, I would feel fine.

I'll be fine. I just need to distract myself this week.
Find things to do until he's home.

I just feel so lonely.

Appreciated.

I led worship at my church, in two services today.
This involved standing at the front, with a mic right in front of my face, and praying, saying which song was next...
It was nerve-wracking.
It didn't help that I was ill either.
But actually, it went really well. I felt like I was doing something good.
That maybe I was even just putting a smile on someone's face.

Afterwards, loads of people came up to me and thanked me. Some said I'd done brilliantly.
They said I looked confident - but trust me, I didn't feel it at the time.

One lady came up to me and said that I was an amazing role model.
It's those few things that she said to me that have really stuck with me all of today.
They brought tears to my eyes, if I'm honest.

It's nice to feel appreciated.

Tiredness.

I am so tired today. I've been at work all day, and am contemplating going for a nap now.

I went shopping yesterday with a friend and bought a notebook/sketchbook. All of it is brown paper - including the pages, and it came with 6 pencils which are also wrapped in brown paper.
No clue as to how I'll even use this notebook, but I fell in love with it as soon as I saw it in the shop. And it was half price, which is an added bonus really.
Also bought a beautiful necklace which really reminds me of France and Paris. I miss Paris - I want to visit there again soon hopefully.

Happiness is...

I'm feeling happy this morning, and I was feeling happy yesterday too.
So, I was thinking.
Really - what is happiness?

Is there a set thing that can make every single person on Earth happy?
Perhaps.
But I doubt it.
I was wondering.
Are most people even happy?
Do most people set their happiness on Earthly things?
Things that fade?
Things that can be taken away?
I know I do.
And I know that if anything changes in a way I don't want it to,
Well,
It causes sadness.

Is happiness just a short term state?
Is true joy what we should be aiming for?
Is that long term?

There go my I've-just-got-up-and-am-eating-granola ramblings for this morning.
Perhaps I should stop thinking about being happy.
And just enjoy the feeling of actually being happy.
Maybe that's a better solution.

Creativity from frustration.

I'm working on a little mini-project.

I started it yesterday, wasn't happy with what I'd done, so am starting from scratch again today. And already I'm feeling much better about it.

I'd feel even better if I wasn't so frustrated.

I don't want to give too much away about what I'm working on, but I'll tell you this - what I'm trying to achieve and use within this project... well, I'm wondering whether it's impossible.

Except, I know full well that it isn't.

Note to brain: Stop being so pessimistic. Isn't the point of this project to show that there is hope? That you can achieve and that things can work out? How ever frustrating they might be.

I've only ever done what I'm trying to do once or twice before - and it took days and days of practicing until I got it perfect.

Have I lost my patience?

No, that can't be it.

I can be patient, and I know it.

Maybe.

Maybe I'm just expecting way too much from myself.

Every time I upload a new photo to flickr, I find myself more and more disappointed each time. Disappointed in myself, that my photos aren't better.

Disappointed in myself that I am clearly going backwards, while everyone around me is improving.

Disappointed in myself for not creating something so spectacular that people actually want to look at it.

I'm trying.

Am I even trying enough?

Am I pushing myself and trying to my full potential?

I don't know anymore.

Let's just hope that when I've done with this project, I'm pleased with it, and people will see what I hope is potential. 

Maybe I'll leave a mark.

Golden Hour, I love you too much.

Yesterday, I must have spent so much of my day hoping for Golden Hour. I was craving to sit in that light and take photos that would hopefully be stunning.
When I saw that the light was turning golden, wow, it made me instantly happy. Grabbing my camera and tripod, I rushed straight to a patch of light that was coming into the house.

...and that's when the frustration kicked in.
However much I tried, I could not get the photos that I had got worked out in my head. I was using myself as a model, and had been planning this idea all day. The more I tried, the more frustrated I got, and the more I just wanted to give up.
Wanting this golden light so much all day, and then when it turned up I was happy. Trying to use it though, to make these photos I had thought up - well, it just made me feel more and more disappointed in myself.

I was trying to tap into my emotions, my thoughts, my hopes, my fears.
Yet I could not get these photos to look the way I wanted. Then I tried something completely different. Something spontaneous.

And those photos, I loved them.

Perhaps next time, setting my mind on something so much, might not be a good idea.

_____

Also yesterday, it was mine and my boyfriend's 2 year and 8 month "marker" (I would say anniversary, but I don't think I'd count it as that :P).
I feel so lucky and grateful to have him in my life.
Can't believe that in 4 months time, it'll be 3 years. Just wow.
I love him so much.

...enough of me being mushy.

Have an amazing day today (if anyone is actually reading this! :) )
Alice
x